The last four and  a half yrs, I have spent with a really awesome man. As of recent due to some thing that I did (rathere didn't do) we are currently experiencing some trust issues. Which I totally take responsibility for. I'm currently trying to fix what I broke but it's kinda hard for a few reasons:

          1.  Until now, there hasn't been any relationship that I thought was worth me fighting for. If I were me from about 10yrs ago, I would have just walked away and left it at that.

          **2.  Its kinda hard to move forward when the other person is fishing for any reason to be upset. *this can be explained please see below*

** So recently, he found a pic, an explicit pic that someone else I know posted on Facebook. The date on the pic is November 30th of last yr. At first he was wondering why this person was tagging him and someone I used to deal with in it. Upon looking further, the person who posted the pic didn't tag them, I did. Which I explained to him. He gets all upset that I tagged him in the pic with this other person, even after i explained that I tagged them for different reasons. How can I attempt to move forward if you are fishing for shit to be angry about? 

 

 

So I'm in my thirties and while I don't hear my clock ticking (which might a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off) I'm not get any younger. Neither is he. We met four yrs ago, via online (yeah I know but these days one has got to think outside the box and since what was in the box just wasn't working very well it was overdue).  We clicked right off the muscle. Now I'm not saying he is perfect, he does have his flaws but hell who doesn't? He's a gentlemen, he loves to cater/spoil, he is a bit hood but he knows how to turn them on and off, he's an awesome father to his kids, he has a great work ethic and he treats me well.

Just one catch, I don't plan to spend the rest of my life dating. I'm not here to be his friend for the next 50yrs. I'd like to get married, and find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Whatever is left of it. For a while when I tried to discuss it, he'd blow me off with some excuse that he couldn't talk for one reason or another. I tried to push, but eventually just gave up. He actually got mad, on the grounds that it wasn't important to me, and that I didn't really want to get married or better still that I didn't wanna marry him because I think he isn't good enough. None of which is true. I'd love to wake up to him every morning, make hims breakfast/dinner, I'd love to have random conversation with him and the kids just because. I feel like I'm forgetting something tho I have no clue what it is. I'm not afraid to admit that not only do I love him, but I'm in love with him as well. Sure, he can be an asshole and yes he is spiteful, but so am I. He balances me in a way that I cant quite explain. What I can say is that I'm not that willing to just let it slip through my fingers.

I believe that unlike me, he is afraid, though he won't say so. Marriage isn't some shit you do right off the cuff like buying a pair of shoes, or getting a new tattoo. Its a serious committment, loyalty, faith, and patience to name a few things. While it isn't moving backward, I feel like it's not moving in a forward motion.

I don't wanna leave, but I feel like there won't be any options left soon.

So, I gave birth to the worlds greatest lil girl (November 19) who happens to share her birthday with her great grandaddy. I can remember how she used to hurl on my sister's turtle necks because of the crazy striped patterns, how she would coo to herself and slept like she was praisin the holy ghost.

I remember leaving to go to work one day and coming home to find my baby walking with her bottle  to come give me the biggest hug ever (lawd knows I needed it!!), her first word was shit, she hated green peas and if you took too long to change her diaper she'd pull it off herself and bring it to you mudd butt and all.

I remember how when I died my hair red (which came out brighter than I thought it would) and went to go get h er from daycare, she wouldn't come to me and when she finally did she kept smacking me in the head in the hopes the color would just fall off/out.

In less than 24hrs, my "baby" will no longer be a "baby". It's crazy cuz to be honest, while I hate changing diapers and everything about it, and I love to be able to sleep at night..... I'm not ready for her to get older. There so many things for her to learn that I'm so not ready to teach her.